2010
I lost all sense of who I was.
I found myself living in a run down house in Woolloongabba on a mattress on the floor.
There was so much hurt, regret and also confusion. I was so lost I started to have hallucinations
I separated myself from everyone. My life become a daily struggle to get through the pain in my heart while listening to voices in my head telling me how worthless I was.
I survived by waking up at 930am and heading straight to the bottle shop, grabbing a 6 or 10 pack of Woodstock
Then around the corner to IGA for a pack of smokes
Then walk across the road to Mowbray park to the same park bench under a big Moreton bay fig tree, set back from the footpath and with a great view of the river rolling past.
I was there day in day out. I Was hurting. I Was lost. I sometimes caught myself loudly putting myself down.. I’m not sure if anyone ever heard me. Certainly no one ever said anything to me.
I don’t think there was anything anyone could have said. I certainly didn’t want anyone to talk to me. I imagine I gave off that vibe.
It’s a tough place to be. Confidence below zero, heart in the throat, feeling of breathlessness, hearing tuned out.. I guess it was a constant adrenaline rush, a flight or fight response to everything.
The only hope I had was my belief that God does exist. Reading the Bible aimlessly gave me small comfort and a rest from the negative thoughts.
Afraid to tell anyone what was actually going on, I wore a smile that in my mind surely appeared forced, fake.. yet no one ever asked or mentioned it.
Did they not care? Surely they notice but just don’t care. Why should they care about someone worthless like me..
Then one day, it all became too real. The negative thoughts progressed on to convince me that I didn’t deserve to live.
My existence felt inconsequential.. a shadowy being in the background of everything, an unseen entity roaming the world, not seen, not heard, not living.. I felt separate from reality.
Then came a moment I felt the greatest fear I have ever felt. I recognised internally that it had become possible for me to kill myself.
It was morning time around 9am. I was walking aimlessly up the road not far from my house. I stopped and grabbed onto the fence that surrounded the transformer station on Stanley St.
My legs felt weak. My chest felt ablaze with anger and disgust of myself. I kicked the fence, Inner voice hurling abuse at this wretched creature that was me. Then the thought, I don’t deserve to breathe this air that I breathe..
I believed it. It shook me. I got so scared.
I immediately turned to God and said. “God please take my life. I am too cowardly to do it. Just take it please! But if you don’t take it, then do something with it. I don’t want it anymore!”
With that being said, I turned around headed straight back home , picked up the Bible and began reading.
To be continued